As it turns out, I’m born to be wild, as is evidenced by the hilarious video below. This somewhat embarrassing extravagance took place at a hotel resort in Ise, Japan, and my witnesses were my traveling companions, and a bunch of inebriated Japanese locals celebrating a wedding. The Japanese gent joining me towards the end was not arranged in advance. I think he really liked my leg.
By the way, I wasn’t drunk. I don’t drink alcohol.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hb3HecpJfCE
My buddy Ryan made this, in anticipation of my eventual audition for a cruise ship job. With all of these people rooting for me, I hope I pass the audition. 
Captain Beefheart’s Ten Commandments For Guitarists:
1. LISTEN TO THE BIRDS…That’s where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren’t going anywhere.
2. YOUR GUITAR IS NOT REALLY A GUITAR…Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you’re good, you’ll land a big one.
3. PRACTICE IN FRONT OF A BUSH…Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn’t shake, eat another piece of bread.
4. WALK WITH THE DEVIL…Old delta blues players referred to amplifiers as the “devil box.” And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you’re bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts demons and devils. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.
5. IF YOU’RE GUILTY OF THINKING, YOU’RE OUT…If your brain is part of the process, you’re missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.
6. NEVER POINT YOUR GUITAR AT ANYONE…Your instrument has more power than lightning. Just hit a big chord, then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.
7. ALWAYS CARRY YOUR CHURCH KEY…You must carry your key and use it when called upon. That’s your part of the bargain. Like One String Sam. He was a Detroit street musician in the fifties who played a homemade instrument. His song “I Need A Hundred Dollars” is warm pie. Another church key holder is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin’ Wolf’s guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty making you want to look up her dress to see how he’s doing it.
8. DON’T WIPE THE SWEAT OFF YOUR INSTRUMENT…You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.
9. KEEP YOUR GUITAR IN A DARK PLACE…When you’re not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don’t play your guitar for more than a day, be sure to put a saucer of water in with it.
10. YOU GOTTA HAVE A HOOD FOR YOUR ENGINE…Wear a hat when you play and keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house the hot air can’t escape. Even a lima bean has to have a wet paper towel around it to make it grow.
Via MusicThing and Analog Industries
I was walking through the mall, and I happened to hear the following as I walked past two women:
I’m a big, fat-ass cow.
I had to seriously stifle laughter. I was way too bizarre and unexpected to hear such a candid statement.
Down in the dumps? Here’s something cheerful: the Smoking Gun is sporting an 18 page copy of Iggy Pop’s concert rider, which explains “Iggy’s requirements in terms of amplifiers, security, lighting, stage set up, and dressing rooms.” Rife with profanity, misspelled words, and outrageously witty remarks, the document, written “on a computer” by roadie Jos Grain, is a testament to true punk.
I suggest you read the whole thing.
Via Boing Boing
I was not impressed with The Lost City, Andy Garcia’s movie about Cuba. My biggest problem is the fact that it was done in English, and the occasional Spanish words, including Havana, were grossly mispronounced. A movie set in Cuba should be spoken en Español.
For some reason, the English was tough to understand. The fake accents were somehow unable to reach my brain. What I did digest, however, is the following bit of ancient wisdom:
The bird is in the beak
Edith is weak
This is an Exquisite Corpse, a collaborative work from 2002 or 2003. Each line represents a new author.
Benny sat down on the park bench, observing the pigeons taking shits in front of him.
And then he died.
He came back alive!
He ran around the room screaming, “Yipee!”
And tripped over the footstool and broke his leg.
Since the break was a compund fracture, the man made a makeshift splint out of popsicle sticks and dust bunnies.
With the splint in place, he made his way through the forest, and drove 23 miles to the aid station.
The drill sergeant asked, “What happened?”
I beheld a strange sight today. Squirrels usually pick the most random locations along a road to cross, and often with dire consequences. I’ve witnessed many a squirrel meeting the wheels of a passing Cadillac with a crunch.
Not today, however. With my own eyes I beheld a squirrel using the crosswalk. I was approaching a stop sign, and a squirrel walked onto the road as I drove up. He was watching me carefully, and tenaciously made his way across the road. When he got to the other side, he looked at me as if to say, “Didn’t I do a great job?”
I said, “Good job,” and drove home, thinking how great it would be if all squirrels could cross like that. It totally breaks my heart to see animals run over.
I think I know more about your bowels than I do about my own. – N. Sparks
This just appeared in my inbox, courtesy of Nicole. (source unknown)