Talking about my feelings

It is a commonly held misconception that, because I feel comfortable performing on stage, I have no issues with interpersonal communication. Most people find it hard to believe that I have a hard time talking about my feelings. Or that I feel completely alone when I’m in a large crowd of people. I seem to have mastered the art of the fa├žade, of disguising my feelings with a mask. It’s true. Over the years I’ve managed to hide my feelings quite effectively, and maintain a semblance of composure under duress. There is, however, a price to pay. When I hide my feelings, I effectively deny myself and my expression. This tension can blow up in one’s face. Just recently I blew up at a former bandmate. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, mere inches from his face.
Last night I confided myself to a woman I’ve developed feelings for. It was really, really awkward. I felt like I was in high school. My body flushed, and it was really hard to get words out. But once I did, I felt much better. And after I told her, I suddenly felt like it didn’t matter what her response would be; what mattered was that I didn’t have the emotional/mental/spiritual burden of carrying the secret around with me any longer.
My devoted readers, realize that this extrovert can be quite shy at times, and has insecurities and feelings of insufficiency just like anyone else.

Posted: March 8th, 2005
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