Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Milwaukee market.
This princess Barbie is only sold in Elm Grove. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Note: Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills, unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what the hell you are talking about.
The Oak Creek Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or HummerH2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
Short, highly tanned and ready to land a husband, we mean get an education. Comes with standard issue shorts with “UWM” printed largely on the butt. Also comes wearing latest “themed” sorority party T-shirt, hair in pony tail and a gaggle of similar looking friends, each carrying the latest in “knock off” Kate Spade bags. Honda Civic, undecided major and drunken backward hat Frat Ken sold separately.
West Allis Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
River Hills Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard print spandex outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends on her boat. Percocet prescription available.
South Milwaukee Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Cudahy Barbie’s (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
This slacker Barbie looks an awful lot like Brookfield Barbie without a shower. Comes with a pack of clove cigarettes and a sixer of PBR. There are accessory packages with various assortments of body piercings and tattoos available, but they must be purchased separately because, like, she doesn’t have a job.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight faded blue hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not Want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Bayview Barbies, and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Skippers in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a cowboy hat, shovel and work gloves. Ken comes with his own 1979 Ford pickup with a Telemundo bumper sticker, tinted windows, and Our Lady of Guadalupe rear window stickers. Truck is painted primer gray, but wheels and rims are not available. Comes with cement blocks. Green cards are not available for Southside Barbie or Ken.
East Side Barbie/ Ken:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts.